Confessions of a 6 month-old

I've just discovered that my thumb and index finger can do a neat trick - come together and pinch things in a stranglehold that my silly parents struggle to pry open with yelps, whether it's their hair, glasses or skin. That's for making me take baths all the time!

That mysterious cascade of tinkly sounds that used to scare the shit out of me - I get it now - I can actually see the infernal thing better with its various shades of pastel (why can't it just be solid colours, which are clearly so much easier on the eye?). Though what's the point in letting me try and grab the pieces but then pulling me away just as I've got one? What a tease.

I just don't understand why I have to be alone at night. I look back nostalgically now at the times when mummy was at my beck and call at all hours. It was so nice to make a couple of smacking sounds, shuffle my bum a little and get a snack at the perfect temperature. Instead now she annoys me as I'm having my final meal of the day by not letting me fall asleep. Honestly I'd feel sorry for her, making the most ridiculous range of noises, if she weren't pestering me with all that tickling.

Then I have to put myself to asleep, which is pretty hard work, let's face it, when there's so much going on in my mind, like thinking through tactics on how to finally grab the bastard clown that's hanging above me just out of reach, and trying to figure out why I'm always snatched from that project to be seated on mummy's lap, listening to disembodied voices calling out my name. And all I've got to help me sleep are some random cloths. Hello? You call that a sleep aid?

Speaking of laps, the other time I always get plopped down is to be confronted with a confounding object really. The colours are alright, I guess, but it's just large and flat! They let me grab it a bit but as soon as I go for a taste, again it gets pulled away. It's like they won't let me taste anything.

Except when they decide to strap me down and actually PUT things in my mouth. Sometimes it's fun, especially when I can see they're both moving their mouths in the same way. But early in the morning when I've just got up and there's so much else to get started on? I wish they'd be consistent about what I can and can't have in my mouth. These mixed messages are doing my head in.

Oh by the way - I have legs! They are pretty useful for kicking everything and swinging myself from back to front (though then I'm stuck, which sucks after a couple of minutes). Why won't my parents let me stand up more? I mean, if it's because their arms are tired, that's lame. Their laziness is all that's standing (haha no pun intended) between me and that smirking clown. I'm dying to know what he tastes like.

People are always leaning towards me with wide eyes and loud voices, talking to themselves while touching me with their big fingers. They have quite interesting eyebrows and lips, and I'll grant you that some of them are vaguely amusing. But what makes me laugh, what makes me tick, you've gotta work harder.

We're deep, you know, us 6 month-olds. It's not just about the poo any more.