4 months in the trenches

Since Max was born, I've been reading a lot of mummy blogs. And that phrase "mothering in the trenches" always amuses me. I relate to its visceral allusion, but can't help but picture helmeted women with bare breasts swinging down a dirt corridor with a baby in one arm and bayonet in the other.

So what has life been as a mother? Well, I wasn't expecting some of my less appealing qualities to be magnified tenfold:

- Indecision: whereas before this generally manifested itself when perusing menus and then was resolved by my making everyone go first and impulsively choosing something when I had to, now it extends to every facet of tending to a baby. Sleep train or not? Co-sleep or not? Nap or not? Solids or not? Cantonese or English? Change nappy now or later? But instead of making impulsive decisions, I seem to be in a hazy, middling, erm-let's-see-what-works-today limbo.

- Selfishness: Pre-baby, I cared about my possessions (Who took my liquid paper? No, you can't borrow my favourite dress), going to the restaurant I wanted to go to, watching the film of my choice at the time that suited me. Selfishness has taken on a whole new dimension. It has come to represent a desperate, scrambling need to revive routines of yore (e.g. watching ER on Youtube, browsing for hours in 2nd hand bookshops, organising regular dinner dates) which can only be done sans baby. But sans baby means you put yourself before your baby. Even a non-baby, non-mummy person like me who clearly understands the importance of preserving your identity and who has no problem saying "I want 2 seconds to myself," occasionally feels like that sounds like "Get that baby away from me."

Then there are new qualities I've taken on:

- Intolerance: You do your thing, I do mine. That was my philosophy before. Call it apathetic, call it uncaring, but I was happy with everyone going about their merry way doing their merry thing as long as it didn't cross my wires. Now, trolley bus passing me? POLLUTER. Telemarketer calling during nap time? PRICK. Friend with cold sores kissing my cheeks? DISEASED. And of course, the person who bears the brunt of this is poor papa, who used to be able to play video games in peace but now has to put up with "I hate your computer and want to throw it out of the window."

- Attention to hygiene: Can't believe we used to vacuum the flat once a month. Or every two. Now I search and destroy dust balls. On the other hand, I really don't care about my puke-crusted sleeve.

Some random trivia:
1. I've never spent so much time in pajamas (tip to those of you with friends who are pregnant - forget the baby socks and buy the mother some really nice loungewear).
2. I have mastered Motherese a.k.a. talking to yourself in high-pitched derangement. I remember the first time I heard a friend speak this language to her kids; it was as if she'd been invaded by aliens.
3. There is nothing more traumatic than shit explosions up a baby's back.
4. Than said shit leaving a permanent curry-dyed trail on every piece of fabric within panicked, flailing distance.
5. Babies talk to themselves before they sleep. I thought Max was preternaturally loquacious and destined for eloquence in later life before I googled and discovered every baby does this.
6. Every minute spent doing your own thing while the baby's sleeping is a silent plea for the baby to continue sleeping, please.
7. Hungarians are wonderful about letting you jump the queue with a baby.
8. I've been eating a lot of biscuits, cakes, chocolate. I'm afraid of going to the dentist. Which works out great because by the time I actually get round to going for a check-up, Max will be 13 and all my teeth will have fallen out.
9. Llamas walk within a few hours of birth. Babies get around to that after 12 months. Interesting article here explaining the helplessness of babies, to do with gestation periods, evolution and humans walking upright.
10. A lot of online mummies on forums are young military wives.

Oh and you know what? I'm not sleep-deprived. Then again I did take 3 naps today.